In those memorable seven years, we have noticed that Australia is... well... a little different than Canada.
Isn't that so surprising???
Since I've got this blog here, all nice and handy, I thought it was about time to start sharing all the pearls of wisdom we've picked up over the years...
I realize that 99.99% of the people looking at this blog are not Australian at all, but actually maple syrup loving Canadians, and have no need for pearls of wisdom on how to survive the Australian life... BUT, I figure, one day... I'm going to be old. And forgetful. And then I won't remember all the knowledge I've worked so hard to gain. And I won't know how to make it through the mysteries of Australian life. So, this guide is for me.
Old, Alzheimers me.
But of course, you may enjoy it too, if you wish.
So without further ado!
"My Guide to Living in Australia"
(an outsider's perspective)
Tip #1 "Keep a can of bug spray on your bedside table"
After seven years, you start to think that your bed is kind of a "safe zone." After all, you have never really found a bug in it. There have been bugs close to it, and under it, but never EVER in it. You sleep soundly each night, thinking those bugs wouldn't get into your bed, because of course they would much rather hang out in the kitchen, where there is... you know, FOOD.
But, don't fool yourself. The terror will find you eventually.
One night you will wake up and feel something crawling down the back of your shirt. You will either scream in fear, or just jump out of bed and rip off your shirt in numb horror. Take your pick. You could do both if you like. Then you run into the bathroom and make sure the creepy crawly is no where on your person, especially making sure it isn't burrowing into your brain somehow. Once you have established that it is not making a house out of you, it's time to venture out to search for the invader. You go right ahead and turn on the lights, because most likely your husband will continue to snore right on, oblivious to it all. He is a heavy sleeper after all.
Now it's time to grab your can of bug spray, which should be on your bedside table because you have followed Tip #1 of "My guide to living in Australia."
If you are lucky, you will spot the critter right away. If you are unlucky, you will discover that it is a disgusting filthy cockroach. Go ahead and spray and spray away. It doesn't matter if spray gets on your bed... it's better than having a cockroach living where you sleep. The cockroach will of course fall onto the floor and try to escape. But you just go right ahead and unload half of that can of bug spray on it... NO HESITATING. It is better to waste money by using half a can of bug spray on one bug, than to have a cockroach living in what used to be your safe zone.
At this point, your husband will wearily open his eyes and ask what on earth is going on. This is good timing, because now that you've killed the bug (by drowning, or poisoning... it's hard to tell at this point), you are going to need someone to clean it up. Luckily, your husband will do this for you, because he knows what's good for him.
Then it's time to get back into bed.
You no longer feel safe.
And you never will again.
(Side tip to Tip #1 - keep a book and a lamp on your bedside table as well, because now it is 4.30 in the morning, and there is no way you are going to be able to fall back asleep)
I love you Australia... I really do. I just hate your bugs.
Stay tuned for further instalments of "My Guide to Living in Australia."
The end.